Depression

Not many people are up this late so just gonna drop some rants and stuff.

I was bullied a lot during high school
Got harassed a lot by people who are stronger and much popular than me. If its not physical, its mental. I was bullied verbally much more than physically. I don't have bruised and shit. But I will lie on my bed at night and think of all the insults thrown at me. This is what fucks me up.

That's why I start to involve martial arts. Don't want to look freaking weak infront of people & wanna them to stay away from me. Thought I'd change their mind once I got selected for school team. Nope, never.

It doesn't help that all my 'friends' from back then are toxic as hell. I was in their circle just so I can be the butt of the joke. You want to make fun of someone? Make fun of this girl. She's just gonna smile and not retaliate coz god kid y u no stand up for yourself. I've been in many fuck up situations.. even wonder why me?

I still remember how all the boys keep harrasing me even I never ever get involve with them. I wonder why they hate me so much even they could destroy my table at class, stealing my albums, & even sending weird message and stuff. Is it because I'm ugly??

My others friends? The other girls? Spreading rumors that pointing me as a bad girl. U know what most broken of me is.. all my batch during that time ignore me and left me out. Yes if you all read this my highschoolmate, you are one of them. And whoever you are calling I'm your bestfriend during that time, you're the most bitches among them. You are the one who start & blame it all me. Stabbing me.. shitttt now I realize all those things & I will never ever forget it..

Anyway, I can feel that they still think I am a freak. They all look at me funny; like they gave me this judging, disgusted look. So I will always have this voice in my head telling me that I am unwanted. Years of bullying crushed my self esteem. Ppl try to convince me they are cool having me around but sorry if I don't trust you. For those think why I'm being silent after highschool, because of that.. I hate my highschool, because all of them are fake as hell (not all of them). You look all off things during that time like a joke isn't it? Nope its not a joke at all..

It makes me overthink a lot. Mainly about other people's perception of me. Do they think I am weird? They're badmouthing me is it? Are they joking when they include me in their circle?

I can relate. I only realize about healthy friendship only during my degree's years. Only then i realize that people dont judge me solely on how i look.

Sorry this is depressing. But it feels good to let it out sometimes. I'm good now.